post cinematic blues

(before I start I feel I ought to warn anyone reading this that it'll probably seem very self indulgent and boring but this is a blog and blogs are where you get crap like that off your chest)




Blaah,

my life's become noticably smaller since I stopped going on Live Journal. Most of the people who I really enjoyed interacting with on the computer dropped out of my life as soon as I quite logging on to that site. Sometimes I think about going back to LJ but I'm no longer sure that it's worth it.

To tell you the truth I'm not sure it was ever really worth it.

Mostly I think it's just loneliness.

I try and take comfort in the things in my life which bring me joy: making the zine each month, working at Spartacus Books, riding my bicycle, and the beauy that really infuses all creation but then there are times like tonight where I feel largly cut off and sad. I've got a lot of friends sure but not many truly close friends, and two of them will be moving to the US at the same time as I leave for Los Angeles.

Two days ago I got an e-mail from a singles site that I had an account with about a year ago. I dropped the account because the experience of being there made me really miserable, most of the people were really not my type and the ones who were or who I could hope might be all turned out to be dead ends.

So anyway prompted by a sort of masochistic curiosity and too much free time I re-activated my account to see if anything had changed but it was no different. Also I was met with this strong feeling that being there was futile because even if there were a million women on that website none of them would be the one I spend my time praying for. So I closed the account for good the next day. I'm trying to content myself with what God has already given me to do and to be gratful for all of it. Largly I think I succeed at this but there's always that seemingly innocuous event which can remind me of how lonesome it can be to have so much good and no one to share it with.

Perhaps I should just start spending all my time hanging out at theological schools. At least that way I might have a better chance of finding someone my type.

Of course I realise that there's really not much point in looking, all it's ever done for me in the past is leave me feeling broken and defeated. And besides even if I met the most wonderful woman in the world tomorrow it would matter little because come the 22nd I'm on a train to LA to start my process of religious formation.

I'll be gone almost completely from the 22nd of May until August sometime, visiting Catholic Worker communities and family. So why do I bother with this kind of self indulgent misery? I wish I could ask that rhetorically but right now I really do want to know.

I wish that it could be easier to shut off ones emotions temporarily, I have a lot in my life I need to get sorted out in the meantime, and there's never really a lack of things to do. If I could spend all this time I waste by feeling alone in persuit of more practical business like doing laundry or puting together the next copy of the Radical's online edition I think I'd probably have to be a robot but at least I'd be able to get things done.

anyway I've had enough of this writing about it only makes me feel better in a vague sort of way. I think I need to go out tonight.