sorting things out through text

A couple of days ago I wrote an entry criticizing the traditional Christian wedding. The main thrust of my argument was that since the ceremonial action seems to represent an uncomfortable level of patriarchy and symbolic objectification of women that perhaps it's time for a re-examination of how this rite is expressed. I havn't changed my opinion that faith grows through honest and continuous examination, but the writing of that post has raised some interesting questions for me that I want to try and sort out here.

The question which has come up most since I wrote that is "what about the mass?" and I dismissed it as I wrote because I don't believe that the symbols of this sacrament are in need of change. I have been thinking about it and I continue to feel that the sacrament of the mass in it's post Vatican II form is not only theologically proper but liturgically and symbolically correct for our times.

However I still get worried when I think about what sorts of issues a rigorus appraisal of faith could bring up in my own life, what fresh or old conflicts might this bring out? How will my attempts at spiritual understanding be greeted by those priests whom I come into contact with?

Conventional wisdom says that if you don't ask hard questions you won't get hard answers. And that sort of thinking, when applied, can make a person feel secure and comfortable in his or her own beliefs about the world. But is this comfort really a blessing? Or does it stunt personal growth by making a person feel scared to break out of ones shell?

I think that I fear being in opposition to church orthodoxy and that this is the root of what keeps me from really questioning my faith as a Catholic. This fear of differing from the orthodoxy is crippling in its way, perhaps mostly because I don't really have a good solid understanding of the tennets of my faith. The Catechism of the Catholic Church is a very thick book which, on my own I have been unable to read easily, and with no one to confidently bounce my questions off I am left with this worry that I could lapse into heresy by questioning these things un-guided, and that even if my criticism were valid, having no way to relate to what is often a rigid, conservative and intimidating hirarchy I might end up in a worse place than where I began.

It's not that I fear losing faith in Christ or in the Father or in the Holy Spirit, and it's not that I am scared of my relationship with God changing from asking these questions. It is my belief that God wants us to be able to ask questions, after all what kind of loving father tells his children to shut up and question nothing?

I guess I'm just worried that my relationship to the Church I love could be irevocably and negativly altered by my attempts to find a deeper understanding of how it's teachings relate to me. But then again I think I'm probably just tying myself into knots over hypothetical situations instead of letting my faith in Christ guide me to real answers. I do this sort of thing a lot as you are no doubt learning.

I feel a bit better after writing this out, I know that in God's time everything works out as it should, it can just be frustrating though because God's timing is so rarely the same as mine.