Thoughts on the traditional Christian wedding service
I went to the wedding of some friends in Calgary on Sunday and I have some thoughts on what seems to be the standard "Christian" wedding ceremony. I say Christian in parenthesis because I don't want to imply that this particular rite is indigenous to all of the Church or that it is even monopolized by any particular denominations group.
It was however the textbook style of wedding service that I had always envisioned when I thought "Church Wedding".
There were four brides maids and four in the groom's party, the white flowing dress, the tuxedos, the organ music, the traditional vows exchanged, bride given away by her parents and the kiss at the end.
I've only ever been to one wedding besides this that I was old enough to remember and it was not the standard wedding rite, it was very informal, took place in the reception room at my Grandparents condo-plex and though beautiful and meaningful to everyone there it was not the stereotype.
When my Aunt Trish and Uncle Brian got married at my Grand Parents place the ceremony was much more stripped down, things were less formal and less showy, while at this wedding it was ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE.
I can't help but feel dismayed at the way patriarchy is played up so strongly at the stereotypical wedding. The obvious symbolism of the white wedding aside the whole bride-gets-served-up-like-a-slice-of-wedding-cake feel of the traditional wedding was not lost on me. I couldn't help but gain some insight over exactly how political and how arcane the standard Christian wedding really is.
There aren't very many expectations placed on the groom all he really has to do is show up, say the right things, exchange rings and kiss.
The bride on the other hand is over emphasized and ultimately objectified in the act of being "given away" by the parents.
Perhaps thankfully the classic double standard of female virginity and male sexual proclivity has been supplanted by a greater cynicism but the emphasis on feminine "grace" and male "dignity" is still very present.
Would that there was an equitable way to balance the symbolic obligations of both man and woman in the wedding rite.
I know you might be wondering to yourself why I have it out for a ceremony, after all it isn't what gets done at the altar that matters so much as how the couple choose to live their life together. And you'd be right, a marriage isn't made in a church it is made by the couple as they age and live together. A marriage is made more by the tests of love, fidelity patience and wisdom which the pair go through together than by any kiss no matter how deep or by any contractual statement through State or Church no matter how legally binding.
But ritual counts for something even if it only shows how as a culture we prioritize our relationships. If this statement has in it any truth than it would be my honest assessment that we have to re think our priorities.
We all go about trumpeting our modern age once and a while, it takes the innocent exposure to the unexpected to really get the mind working around ones own arrogance, this has been my personal experience.
I can't help but feel that it is time to re-think the standard form that the modern marriage takes. Perhaps instead of having the blushing bride offered up to her husband-to-be on a platter like the political offering she isn't there could be a co-equal presentation where both newly wedds are given to one another or perhaps "presentation" could be done away with all together.
Wouldn't it be even more meaningful if instead of husband and wife being given away they were welcomed into the larger community at that same marriage altar? Why stand up there alone? Why have only men on the grooms side and women on the brides side? Why not have the man be the one all in white?
Don't mistake my writing here as a rejection of the importance of ritual. Ritual is important in the life of the faith even if it is cursory or largely improvised. Ritual connects us to commonly shared traditions and give us a sense of cultural participation and it's because of the importance of ritual in society that those who value it should call it to account and if found wanting, we should be encouraged to update them to allow them to continue to express the love that they were intended to reflect. Without the courage to re-evaluate our rituals they risk becoming calcified and legalistic and once we lose our engagement to that side of our lives we turn something intended to be beautiful and liberating into its antithesis.
It was however the textbook style of wedding service that I had always envisioned when I thought "Church Wedding".
There were four brides maids and four in the groom's party, the white flowing dress, the tuxedos, the organ music, the traditional vows exchanged, bride given away by her parents and the kiss at the end.
I've only ever been to one wedding besides this that I was old enough to remember and it was not the standard wedding rite, it was very informal, took place in the reception room at my Grandparents condo-plex and though beautiful and meaningful to everyone there it was not the stereotype.
When my Aunt Trish and Uncle Brian got married at my Grand Parents place the ceremony was much more stripped down, things were less formal and less showy, while at this wedding it was ALL ABOUT THE BRIDE.
I can't help but feel dismayed at the way patriarchy is played up so strongly at the stereotypical wedding. The obvious symbolism of the white wedding aside the whole bride-gets-served-up-like-a-slice-of-wedding-cake feel of the traditional wedding was not lost on me. I couldn't help but gain some insight over exactly how political and how arcane the standard Christian wedding really is.
There aren't very many expectations placed on the groom all he really has to do is show up, say the right things, exchange rings and kiss.
The bride on the other hand is over emphasized and ultimately objectified in the act of being "given away" by the parents.
Perhaps thankfully the classic double standard of female virginity and male sexual proclivity has been supplanted by a greater cynicism but the emphasis on feminine "grace" and male "dignity" is still very present.
Would that there was an equitable way to balance the symbolic obligations of both man and woman in the wedding rite.
I know you might be wondering to yourself why I have it out for a ceremony, after all it isn't what gets done at the altar that matters so much as how the couple choose to live their life together. And you'd be right, a marriage isn't made in a church it is made by the couple as they age and live together. A marriage is made more by the tests of love, fidelity patience and wisdom which the pair go through together than by any kiss no matter how deep or by any contractual statement through State or Church no matter how legally binding.
But ritual counts for something even if it only shows how as a culture we prioritize our relationships. If this statement has in it any truth than it would be my honest assessment that we have to re think our priorities.
We all go about trumpeting our modern age once and a while, it takes the innocent exposure to the unexpected to really get the mind working around ones own arrogance, this has been my personal experience.
I can't help but feel that it is time to re-think the standard form that the modern marriage takes. Perhaps instead of having the blushing bride offered up to her husband-to-be on a platter like the political offering she isn't there could be a co-equal presentation where both newly wedds are given to one another or perhaps "presentation" could be done away with all together.
Wouldn't it be even more meaningful if instead of husband and wife being given away they were welcomed into the larger community at that same marriage altar? Why stand up there alone? Why have only men on the grooms side and women on the brides side? Why not have the man be the one all in white?
Don't mistake my writing here as a rejection of the importance of ritual. Ritual is important in the life of the faith even if it is cursory or largely improvised. Ritual connects us to commonly shared traditions and give us a sense of cultural participation and it's because of the importance of ritual in society that those who value it should call it to account and if found wanting, we should be encouraged to update them to allow them to continue to express the love that they were intended to reflect. Without the courage to re-evaluate our rituals they risk becoming calcified and legalistic and once we lose our engagement to that side of our lives we turn something intended to be beautiful and liberating into its antithesis.
posted by Chris Rooney | 8:25 PM
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