it's been a hard winter

I'm completely wiped out.

balancing work at two bookstores and a very time consuming zine has been an act of God, I doubt very much that I could have done as well as I have without my faith but I'm wiped. I miss substantial human contact with people I can talk with, I'm tired of making plans with ppeople who never follow through and then getting shit from them when I don't have the energy to go to their social events.

It's not that I don't want to see people, quite the opposite, it's human contact that I'm yearning for, but what I miss isn't the big impersonal social functions where I don't know anyone and can't carry on a real conversation it's the small groups and one on one human contact that I'm longing for. I'm telling my boss that in two weeks he can give my fridays to someone else but will more time make any difference? I already work part time but I worry that I won't spend that time with friends. I also miss being physically active. this winter my life has been divided between book stores and my bedroom and church. I love my parish and the people I worship with but I have other friends some of whom I havn't seen in a whole year and I don't know when I'll have the chance to.

I go down town and it's like visiting another city, living so far south depending on the bus to get anywhere has been isolating and when I try and talk with people about it I either feel like I have no right to complain or that it sounds trivial. the guy who pulls two full time jobs and raises a family without a spouse has it harder than I likely ever will and the stuff I do is all stuff I believe in and enjoy. I just have no social life most of the time and I miss my friends. I miss being able to go on long night time bike rides by myself, but mostly I miss seeing people.

I keep telling myself that things are getting better, I'm moving out of the house of anger and my land lady advanced me my damage deposit and I'll have fewer hours by the middle of march, these are all good things but right now half the time it feels like I'm passing time and the other half is so ull of the little annoyances that I feel overwhelmed.

Something's got to change, I need to get out and have some time not to think about my life. Every time I look outside and see that it's snowed it feels like I've been kicked in the chest, I'd say I need a vacation but what I need more is just to talk with someone, a break from the routine I've fallen into where I go to work and come home and sit in my room until I go to sleep.

I think that's all I've got to write about right now I don't want to start repeating myself.