The Killing of Sexy Wayne

So someone asked me one time if I knew anything about the business of selling human hair

And so I says: Yes as a matter of fact my father was a hair salesman, and his father before him. I was raised in the noble trade of hair selling. But I opted instead for a life of wonderment as a Siamese twin in a circus side show. We travelled all through the south until one day I was so sad that I was beside myself. That’s when I knew that show business just wasn't for me.

The days of vaudeville were gone and nobody in America ever went into sparsely populated communities to show Russian films from the side of the train, show business was dead they all used to say. So I went into the patent medicine business

Ever heard of snake oil?

Well I never sold that, but I heard it was pretty lucrative. I sold rock oil... otherwise known as petroleum.

I didn't make up the name of course, that was done by some dunce who found some petroleum on these rocks someplace and figured the rocks were excreting the oil.

He was pretty sad to find out that the oil came from dinosaurs instead of rocks, especially because he didn't even know what a dinosaur was...

I first got into selling petroleum when I was running away from the circus and the patent medicine thing was really big at the time so I started mixing petroleum with opium and selling it as a nerve tonic.

It made people so calm that they died.

So I got out of selling petroleum and instead I began to buy large quantities of bananna peel.

What?

Aren’t you interested anymore?

Ok so anyway

I started to buy all these banana peels.

I got it into my head that the best way to make me a living was as a professional assassin and that the first thing I needed to do, as an assassin was to get a calling card. That way everyone would know who it was that killed the guy and I'd get famous like the Joker.

So I bought these banannapels and started placing them on the ground near places where I figured guys who needed to die would hang out, y'know places like lavatories and ice cream parlours and dinosaurs.

So yah I started putting these banana peels down everywhere and sure enough people started slipping on them and cracking their heads open and saying "ow my head".

That’s about when when Al Capone hired me to start running petroleum for him back in ought five. Yah Petroleum had taken off in a big way, but not as a nerve tonic. See it was the thirties now and people wanted a new way to keep their skin all shiny and reflective so they began using petroleum instead of tanning butter, which they had started putting on their toast.

Why they used tanning butter on their toast I'll never know.

I'm not an expert on bread.

So yah Al Capone, he hired me to run petroleum from Chicago to New Delhi. But I wasn't too good at that so he got me to do his taxes. But I wasn't too good at that either and so he went to jail…

...Alcatraz I think it was.

Yes.

So I went back into business as the bananna peel killer. But the bananas had gotten wise and didn't want to get killed no more so I started to think that maybe this whole human hair kick my pops was on wasn't such a bum idea after all...

And that's how I became president of the United States of America.