laundry list of complaints
Lately I've been letting a lot of things eat me up inside and I havn't been able to get any of it off my chest so I'm doing it here, I'm pretty sure only a hand full of people read this anyway, most of whom I don't know so it's kind of like writing in a real journal or talking to strangers.
A lot of the time I feel worn out, emotionally bare and sometimes I find I have to try pretty hard to keep myself from crying but I don't know quite why. I have been without a phone since last tuesday and probably won't have one until next wednesday, as a result the number of close friends I have been able to see and spend any meaningful time with has been reduced to two. I have msn messenger sure except that I'm never online at the same time as most of the people on my friends list and so many of them I havn't seen or spoken with since I got home from my pilgrimage that it wouldn't feel right to lay this heavy trip on them, and since I've returned only a few of them have even written to me at all.
I can't play guitar at night here because of the family living downstairs but most days I have to leave for work almost as soon as I'm up so I don't get to play in the day time either.
I've got this kind of gingivitis that is slowly and painfully eating away my gums despite my brushing and using mouthwash twice a day, and though it's been like this for over a month the dentist wanted to wait an extra two weeks to see if it would go away on it's own before giving me any sort of anti-biotics, it hurts to brush and it scares me to look into my mouth and see that my gums havn't goten any better.
Until yesterday I was afraid I wouldn't have any money to buy food with because of the combined expenses of buying medication to treat my chronic acid reflux and shelling out for a new battery and charger for my phone. I've been living in my own place since the first of October yet the only two of my friends to have even come over to see it are the same ones I havn't lost contact with.
I feel isolated because I don't have a phone and making plans with everyone has become almost impossible as e-mails get lost or my account goes into peoples spam boxes or I don't get acccess to their messages until I'm tired and at home and don't want to go out again. Because of the medications I have to take I've been fifty pounds over weight since 2001 and despite regular exercise things havn't changed much, it makes me sad to look in the mirror.
I tie myself up in knots over women I find attractive but never get either the courage or the opportunity to do anything about it except tie myself into further knots, I've been doing this one for years.
I am getting tired of hearing the same predictable reactions from people when they find out that I'm a self identified anarchist pacifist and also a Christian. I'm sad that I don't have many friends who I can seriously talk theology with and the one friend I have who was always the best for that and who I'd be laying this trip on were he still around has moved to New York state, I miss him.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone to share my life with and I don't know how to go about changing that. I've tried internet dating and all it's acccomplished is to leave me feeling worse than I did before I joined their sites, I don't get out much nor do I tend to frequent the sorts of places that you meet a lot of people. It doesn't help that I neither drink nor smoke and that I am pretty introverted when I'm with new people.
I used to be a news junky but lately I go to websites to read the news and I have to stop before the end of the first paragraph because I can't bring myself to care or because I care so much that I don't want to know any more.
I miss my friends whom I met on my travels but don't know when I'll get to see any of them again, I miss my friends in Vancouver but I don't know when I'll get to see them either.
my emotional exhaustion and frustration has made me really irritable and sometimes I find that I'm taking this out on my friends and that bothers me too because I don't want to give them grief, they are really good to me and I love them.
I guess that's about it. I don't know if this post has made me feel any better, at least I've got some of this out of me.
A lot of the time I feel worn out, emotionally bare and sometimes I find I have to try pretty hard to keep myself from crying but I don't know quite why. I have been without a phone since last tuesday and probably won't have one until next wednesday, as a result the number of close friends I have been able to see and spend any meaningful time with has been reduced to two. I have msn messenger sure except that I'm never online at the same time as most of the people on my friends list and so many of them I havn't seen or spoken with since I got home from my pilgrimage that it wouldn't feel right to lay this heavy trip on them, and since I've returned only a few of them have even written to me at all.
I can't play guitar at night here because of the family living downstairs but most days I have to leave for work almost as soon as I'm up so I don't get to play in the day time either.
I've got this kind of gingivitis that is slowly and painfully eating away my gums despite my brushing and using mouthwash twice a day, and though it's been like this for over a month the dentist wanted to wait an extra two weeks to see if it would go away on it's own before giving me any sort of anti-biotics, it hurts to brush and it scares me to look into my mouth and see that my gums havn't goten any better.
Until yesterday I was afraid I wouldn't have any money to buy food with because of the combined expenses of buying medication to treat my chronic acid reflux and shelling out for a new battery and charger for my phone. I've been living in my own place since the first of October yet the only two of my friends to have even come over to see it are the same ones I havn't lost contact with.
I feel isolated because I don't have a phone and making plans with everyone has become almost impossible as e-mails get lost or my account goes into peoples spam boxes or I don't get acccess to their messages until I'm tired and at home and don't want to go out again. Because of the medications I have to take I've been fifty pounds over weight since 2001 and despite regular exercise things havn't changed much, it makes me sad to look in the mirror.
I tie myself up in knots over women I find attractive but never get either the courage or the opportunity to do anything about it except tie myself into further knots, I've been doing this one for years.
I am getting tired of hearing the same predictable reactions from people when they find out that I'm a self identified anarchist pacifist and also a Christian. I'm sad that I don't have many friends who I can seriously talk theology with and the one friend I have who was always the best for that and who I'd be laying this trip on were he still around has moved to New York state, I miss him.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't have anyone to share my life with and I don't know how to go about changing that. I've tried internet dating and all it's acccomplished is to leave me feeling worse than I did before I joined their sites, I don't get out much nor do I tend to frequent the sorts of places that you meet a lot of people. It doesn't help that I neither drink nor smoke and that I am pretty introverted when I'm with new people.
I used to be a news junky but lately I go to websites to read the news and I have to stop before the end of the first paragraph because I can't bring myself to care or because I care so much that I don't want to know any more.
I miss my friends whom I met on my travels but don't know when I'll get to see any of them again, I miss my friends in Vancouver but I don't know when I'll get to see them either.
my emotional exhaustion and frustration has made me really irritable and sometimes I find that I'm taking this out on my friends and that bothers me too because I don't want to give them grief, they are really good to me and I love them.
I guess that's about it. I don't know if this post has made me feel any better, at least I've got some of this out of me.
posted by Chris Rooney | 2:30 AM
1 Comments:
Chris,
I feel you man. I really do. I get being frustrated and isolated. I've been dealing with that a lot lately. I don't fit in the queer community, I don't fit in the Christian, and I don't fit in any of my other places of habit. I mean, I fit in well enough, but I don't fit, you know? Like it just isn't quite where I belong.
And I get being frustrated in love. Seriously. I really, really get that one. And I get yearing for a partner.
I too am an introvert, one who, out of frustration, has withdrawn from most of his friends. One who has withdrawn in large part from the Church. Becuase I am angry with the Church for Her continued moral posturing when all around her people are dying stupid, senseless, preventable deaths, and She remains silent about it.
And I am angry with myself for my failure to live up to the calling of my faith, for my fear of man, and for my withdrawl. For my fear of being a homo to the Christians and a Christian to the homos...
At the end of it, all I can say is this: He who began a good work in us is faithful to finish it. Despite my slips, and my anger, and my despair, and my frustration, and my very often selfish and foolish thoughts and actions, Jesus gets it. He went through many of the same things. And we couldn't be His if we didn't too. He sits at the right hand of the Father, and actually prays for us.
I can see God ignoring my prayers, but ignoring Jesus' prayers?
So, in my mess, in my fucked up head space, in my cowardice, in my pain and need, in my pettiness, I am confident in this one thing: Christ is for us, and if He is, then who can be against us?
I am not going to even try to say it's all good, or that it makes sense, or even that much of it is ok. Because I don;t think it is good, it does not make sense, and much of what is going on is not OK. But, I do believe, and this is perhaps the greatest miracle of all, that there is an end to this, one which is even now unfolding in and through us, whereby God will wipe away every tear.
When I get down like this, it's all about Hebrews. One of my favorite books.
God bless and keep you Chris, may you be graced with His perspective and nearness in this time of struggle.
Rob
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